What is Cake?
by TheInsaneBestFriend
Summary: Duo tries to prove the cake is not a lie. Crack-fic! You have been warned.
1. And It Begins

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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What is Cake?

Chapter One

It all started out as a normal morning, except the fact that Relena wasn't there asking for gundam rides. Also, it wasn't morning, but more like afternoon. Quatre was happily munching on his bacon. He really loves his bacon. Trowa was supposedly reading a newspaper in the corner. Heero was couch diving for the remote that had been lost over a week ago. Wufei was practicing his knitting on an unsuspecting kitten. Duo, however, was missing. As usual he slept incredibly late and when he wakes up, he is incredibly loud.

"GUYS GUYS GUYS!! I've been reading some forums or whatever on the internet and can you BELIEVE it!! Apparently cake is a lie! That's not fair! I LIKE CAKE!" Duo yelled as he bolted into the kitchen and flailed. "Are you guys listening to me?" They weren't. Duo stomped around the room raving on since he knew they would have to listen to him eventually. "I mean what did the cake do to deserve to be called lies!!" Duo stepped forward and grabbed Trowa's paper. "It can't even defend… Trowa what the hell are you reading?" Duo turned the newspaper and revealed wrecking ball porn. "YOU'RE A SICK MAN!"

Trowa grabbed back his magazine blushing furiously, "I like to read the articles…"

"What, the ones in the pictures of naked people and wrecking balls?" Duo snickered.

"Duo, the cake is called a lie because it is a lie." Wufei said simply as he looked up from the kitten he was knitting a sweater on.

"What's that supposed to mean anyway? How did the cake become lies when it can't do anything to begin with?" Duo stomped his foot like a young child. "Ooh! Bacon!" Duo reached for a piece of bacon left on Quatre's plate.

"MY BACON!" Quatre yelled and stabbed his fork at Duo's oncoming hand.

"What the hell?!" Duo jerked back his hand a little too slowly and earned a small stab wound on his finger. "Heero! Back me up man! Wufei is mean." Duo shot a weird look at Quatre who was glaring at him over a mouthful of bacon.

After a moment of the cushion moving around Heero's head appeared between the couch cushions. "What?"

"Don't you 'What?' me! Wufei is being mean!!!" Duo flailed very annoyed.

"I don't know much about cake… although; I've never heard it called lies before." Heero frowned as he dove back into the couch to continue on his search to find the lost remote. The cushions continued to shuffle around as Heero searched.

"Heero!! Don't leave! I need you to defend me! Use your epic soldier skills to subdue him!" Duo ran to the cushions and began wrenching them off of the couch. "Huh?" Heero was nowhere to be found! Duo looked around confused, and then noticed a pair of eyes looking at him from under the other couch's cushions. "Damn Japanese ninja!" Duo threw the cushion he was holding at the other couch. Heero poked his head back out to hurl it back into Duo's face.

"Even with Yuy's help you won't be able to prove me wrong." Wufei smirked up at the outraged American.

"I BET YOU $500 THAT I'M RIGHT!" Duo slammed his fist on the table with a loud clatter of dishes and a yowling cat. Wufei's smirk widened as he unhooked the cat's claws from his arm.

"Ok then. I accept your bet Maxwell." Wufei smiled. "You have as long as you need to prove me wrong. If you give up, you have to eat my left shoe."

"Why not the right one?" Quatre asked.

"It's my favorite." Wufei nodded as though this was a good explanation.

"Okay. If I win… you have to… uhm… eat my RIGHT shoe. HAH!" Duo grinned widely.

"Very original." Trowa muttered. "And didn't already wager 500 dollars?"

"SHUTUP WRECKING BALL PORN!" Duo growled as Trowa's face reddened.

Heero jumped out of the couch with a confused sigh. He walked over to the refrigerator and opened it up reaching for a bottle of water, but much to his surprise he pulled out the remote. "How'd the remote get in the fridge?" No one knew the answer. Heero turned back to the other pilots deep in thought and finally asked, "How does wrecking ball porn even WORK?" All eyes turned to Trowa whose face somehow managed to turn a deeper shade of red.

"Well…" Trowa began to explain the grueling process of wrecking ball porn and the more he said, the paler everyone's faces became. Duo began to cough and sputter. Heero put his hands over his face and cried. Quatre began to suck his thumb and Wufei just looked interested and thoughtful.

"Anyways." Duo cut Trowa off not knowing how much more he could take. "We gotta prove the cake isn't a lie."

"What do you mean we?" Heero asked with an annoyed look.

"All of us! Even Wufei!" Duo grinned wickedly flinging his arms around Heero and Quatre's shoulders.

"Why me!? You're supposed to be proving me wrong not taking me along." Wufei glared at Duo. "Besides, what if I try to sabotage your mission."

"It'll be an adventure!!" Duo cried happily. "And I know you would never sabotage us, because you secretly want to know too!" Wufei just made a face.

"I think it'll be fun!" Quatre smiled. Trowa just shrugged still recovering from his embarrassment at being discovered.

"Ok! First stop… is… uh… the BAKERY!" Duo turned to go, but he was stopped by Quatre.

"Duo Pants! PLEASE!" Quatre yelled dragging Duo away from the door.

Duo looked down numbly. "Oh right. I guess I was so excited I forgot I was only in my boxers. OKAY! Clothes THEN to the bakery." Duo turned down the hallway laughing. The other pilots just watched him go before getting up and going to dress themselves for what promised to be a very long day.

When Duo ran out of his room he looked around. "Where is everybody?" Duo looked in the couches but didn't find Heero. He even checked the closets and ceilings for the ninja. Duo ran around the house before finally realizing they were all getting dressed like he himself had to do. He slumped down into a chair to wait tapping his foot impatiently.

Heero walked out first in his usual clothes. How boring. Didn't he have anything else to wear? Then Wufei. Also in his usual, boring, weird, dress thing. When Trowa walked out Duo wanted to explode from the USUALNESS. Then it dawned on him, all of them only had one real set of clothes. Feeling a little silly Duo waited for Quatre to come out. When Quatre finally did appear Duo almost keeled over and died.

Quatre smiled and tugged at the strange garment. "I found this in my closet and just felt like wearing it. You don't mind do you?" Quatre laughed before looking down at himself again.

"WHY ARE YOU WEARING A FRILLY, YELLOW, SUN DRESS?!" Duo squawked. "Why was it even in your closet? What is going on here!?"

"Relena used his room for a few days before he came to live with us remember?" Heero murmured. "She probably forgot it." Duo just stared at Heero dumbly.

Quatre looked at Heero for a long moment. "Oh. Well that makes sense. Hold on. I'll just be another moment." The guys relaxed thinking he would take off the dress, but they were very wrong. Quatre came back out with a small frilly hat and a parasol. "I thought I should use these too. To go with the theme you know?"

Duo dared to look down and choked when he saw pretty little white sandals on the blonde's feet. "You've got to be kidding me." Duo then sighed and turned to the door. "Whatever let's just go to the damn bakery and get this over with."

The pilots walked together and couldn't help but grin at the looks poor Quatre was getting, though the blonde appeared to be oblivious to the stares. Duo hoped he would survive this trip to the bakery. It didn't take long to walk to a little bakery on the corner where Duo would try his hardest to get the answer he was looking for. Why is the cake a lie?


	2. Bakery on the Corner

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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What is Cake?

Chapter 2

The first thing Duo noticed about the bakery was that it smelled freaking amazing! He began to drool only a few steps into the place. Duo was drawn to the big case full of cookies. "Heero. Can I get a cookie?" Duo pleaded using his puppy dog eyes on the Japanese boy who never forgot his wallet. Heero just glared at him. "Please? Pretty pleeease! With a cherry on top!?" Duo was on his knees grabbing Heero's arms while violently shaking him.

"OKAY! One cookie. Just let me go." Heero pulled his arms free with a jerk. "Only one so choose wisely."

"YAY! Okay then… What cookie do I want?" Duo pressed his face against the glass as he looked from cookie to cookie. "I've got it! No I don't. I've GOT it! Nope, it's not it." It continued like this for a while.

Trowa bought a small bagel of some sort and he was eating it slowly while waiting for Duo to decide on his cookie so they could go. Quatre was beside Duo looking at the cookies also, but he was ordering a few dozen. Duo noticed this with some displeasure.

"Heero!! It's not fair! Quatre is getting a few dozen! Why can I only get one!?" Duo turned to the Japanese boy eating a muffin, currently ignoring the American. "Please Heero! I won't ask for anything ever again!"

Heero looked at Duo with a'not buying it' face."That's what you said when I bought you ice cream and comic books and candy and porn and" Duo quickly cut him off.

"Okay! Okay! I get it. Sheesh." Duo turned back to the case and sighed. Finally he turned to the man and cried "I'll take the m&m chocolate chip!! Because it's good!" Heero paid the man and bought half a dozen cookies for himself. "WHAT!? That's so not fair Heero! I want six cookies!" Duo flopped down on his back and screamed "I WANT MORE COOKIES!! COOKIES!! COOKIES!!" Duo proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs.

Wufei decided he had had enough. He grabbed Duo by the braid and lifted him up off of the floor. "If you don't shut up I'll strangle you with your own braid." It wasn't a threat. It was a promise. Duo stood up straight and pulled his braid from the evil Wufei's grip.

"Fine. I guess one cookie is enough for now." With an epic sad face Duo sat down with the others and sighed heavily. Duo moped for a little while watching the other pilots eat their baked goods until he remembered his mission. Duo stood pushing his chair back so hard it clattered to the floor. The others looked up at him expecting another 'I want a cookie' outburst. Instead Duo turned to the counter and walked up to it purposefully.

"Sir!" Duo called, "I have a question." When the baker turned around Duo realized he was a very intimidating man who was nearly six foot five with scars all over his face and visible body parts. "Uhm… how er… what?..." The baker turned back around to the dough he was beating. "OH YES! I remember!" The baker turned again with a questioning look. "Why…uh… meep." The baker was now glaring at him with a 'stop wasting my time' look. "I was just wondering… uh… WHAT IS THAT!?" Duo just pointed. The baker looked then turned back with a frown.

"That would be a mop, sir." The baker sighed and went to turn around again, but Duo stopped him.

"Why… why are cakes called lies, sir?" Duo managed to squeak out. Duo was so freaked out he had to wonder. He had fought in mobile suit battles and gone against all odds to win battles. "I'm the god of death." WHY WAS HE AFRAID OF THIS BAKER!?

"What are you talking about kid?" The baker turned more towards Duo now and rested his large arms on the counter. Duo hadn't realized he had spoken that last bit out loud. "Well mister god of death I have no idea what you're talking about. Cakes aren't lies. Cakes are a happy feeling that grows. CAKE is NOT a lie. CAKE is the best thing on the planet! Good for any occasion! Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, funerals, orgys, Earth day! ANY OCCASION! Whoever told you the cake is a lie was LIEING!"

Duo backed away slowly with wide eyes. The baker stepped around the counter and advanced on Duo. "Do you know why I lost my left ear!?" The baker turned his head revealing he had in fact lost his ear. When Duo didn't answer fast enough the baker continued on "I lost it in my first cake baking challenge! My partner hated my recipe so he BIT IT OFF! Those competitions are pretty fierce boy! Don't forget that!"

"Uhm guys!!!" Duo looked around feverishly. "LOOK AT THE TIME!" Duo yelled when he spotted his friends trying not to stare at him. "Sorry Mister Baker man… I'd love to hear more stories but I REALLY really gotta go." The baker frowned sadly.

"I thought I finally found an audience to." The baker sighed and turned back to the counter dejectedly. "No one wants to hear my stories of how I came to be a baker in a little corner bakery. Duo felt so bad.

"No, I'll listen. I'm sorry." Duo walked back up to the counter and was strangling himself on the inside. The baker turned back to Duo his eyes lit up with glee.

"OK! Now while my partner was biting my ear, I was busy baking and decorating as best as I could with a person hanging off of my ear." The baker continued. "I painstakingly made sure no blood got on the cake. Finally, I beat my partner over the head with my rolling pin to make him let go. With my partner out cold, I had to finish that cake all alone while gushing blood. It was difficult and I nearly passed out…" Duo couldn't listen anymore, this guy was weird. "and my cake won first prize! I was so happy. At the same time though, I was told I could never bake competitively again because I beat the poor guy with my rolling pin. So, I was very sad to. Then I grew angry and decided to fight for my right to bake! In the end, I went to prison, made a few friends, baked, and returned to the world a free man. I tried to get other jobs, but this bakery is the only place that would accept me with my ugly background. That is my story. Thank you for listening boy." Duo just nodded wondering what the hell he had just heard was. He stood thanked the man for sharing his life story and walked back to his table.

"Guys, I just heard some guys life story told in a matter of minutes." Duo muttered as he laid his face on the table.

"Don't worry. We heard it to Duo." Trowa said around his bagel.

"I don't know if I should be scared or happy." Quatre mumbled with a confused look on his face.

"Did you get your answer?" Wufei asked even though he should have been able to hear the man yelling about cake before he began ranting about his ear. Although, the ear thing was enough to make anyone forget what they had heard in the last hour or so.

"He said cakes aren't lies." Duo looked up smiling.

"He obviously knows little to nothing." Wufei took a sip of his coffee nonchalantly.

"Well, he knows a lot about baking with a person hanging on to his ear." Duo shrugged as though this mattered somehow. Everyone just kind of looked at him.

"Regardless, we got here and learned nothing, except that guy should not be working here." Heero stated with a bored look on his face. Duo just glared at Heero for invalidating his point.

"We'll just have to try somewhere else!" Duo piped up. The other pilots just looked at him as though he had grown another head. "What!? I will not drop this! I don't want to eat his shoe!" Duo challenged them all with his eyes. "Okay then, now that we're all clear on this issue. Where should we go next?"

"How about a cake factory?" Quatre suggested with a small smile.

"GREAT!" Duo jumped up and ran outside the bakery to the nearest phone booth. The others followed behind slowly wondering what he was up to.

"What are you doing Duo?" Heero asked as they walked up.

"I'm looking for the nearest cake factory!" Duo grinned as he held up a phone book.

"You aren't going to find a cake factory in a phone book." Wufei sighed.

"HAH! Found one!" Duo yelled excited. Wufei just looked amazed. "You think it'll be open? It is Sunday. So I doubt it." Duo frowned in thought. "We'll just have to go tomorrow." As Duo spoke about plans for Monday, a group of guys walking by whistled at poor dress wearing Quatre.

"Why are they whistling?" Quatre asked numbly. Trowa just sighed and placed his arm around Quatre's shoulders and glared at the guys now walking away pretty quickly. He removed his arm and turned back to Duo.

"Then we break open the security doors and burst in with bananas blazing into the silverware drawer."

Trowa had to wonder what the hell he had missed. Bananas? Silverware? What was going on in that braided boy's brain?

"Duo, why don't we just go up to the front desk and see what they have to say?" Wufei sighed looking at the American with a face that questioned his sanity.

"Or… we could do that." Duo mumbled. "But, that's no fun."

"I think I like Duo's idea more." Heero smirked. Everyone turned to look at Heero like he had lost his mind. Heero just shrugged. "I don't like how lazy we've been with the war being over and our gundams being gone."

"What else can we do to make this trip to the factory more interesting?" Trowa asked simply.

"I think Duo's idea would be wonderful! I hope Relena doesn't disapprove of it." Quatre laughed.

"Disapprove of what?" Relena asked. All five pilots screamed RELENA! and jumped back a few feet. This only made her more suspicious. "What might I disapprove of?"

"Oh nothing… just trying to prove the cake isn't a lie…" Duo murmured.

"Trying to prove what?" Relena asked "Duo. Everyone knows the cake is, in fact, a lie."

"BUT WHAT DID IT DO TO BE A LIE!! IT'S CAKE!" Duo cried.

"It's a lie for a reason Duo." Wufei shrugged.

"Well, I'm going to find out for myself, for good or bad even if it takes blowing up a cake factory!" Duo yelled striking an awesome pose for the effect.

"You will NOT blow up a cake factory." Relena stated darkly. She crossed her arms over her chest daring him to argue.

Heero turned to look at her. Relena noticed him turn towards her so she easily gave him her full attention. Heero thought for a moment before he finally decided on the best thing to say in this moment. "Relena… I'll kill you." Heero then turned and walked away leaving Relena shocked into standing in one place. Duo bolted after him laughing like a madman. The other three followed only after waving hands in front of her face to see if she would move at all. She didn't.

That night the five gundam pilots sat with their heads together over a map of the cake factory. They made their plans on how to infiltrate the factory get the information they wanted and get out before anyone knew what was going on. It took a good few hours to do. When they finished with their plans the pilots turned and went to bed excited for what tomorrow night had in store.


	3. To the Factory!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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What is Cake?

Chapter 3

It was very difficult for Duo to wait for nightfall to infiltrate the cake factory. He was constantly checking the clock and whining when the hands weren't moving fast enough. Duo was about to turn to the clock again when Heero grabbed his braid.

"Turn and whine again and I'll kick your ass." Heero threatened darkly. After a few hours of Duo whining over and over he was done. Duo turned to the clock again and whined overdramatically with a grin on his face. Then the world went dark.

Duo woke up a few hours later trying to figure out what the hell had happened to him. Heero was standing over their plans with a grim look on his face. Duo stood slowly checking for any broken bones or pain that wasn't there before he fell asleep. The only pain he noticed was a dull ache on the back of his head. The American walked over to the table and looked at the blueprints to see what made Heero's face show emotion. He saw the problem immediately.

Instead of actual plans written down there were stick figures labeled with large numbers around the building. Each figure was holding an undetermined item as arrows pointed the stick men into the factory. In one corner was a large dragon or dinosaur eating what appeared to be a banana. A UFO seemed to circle above the place shooting a green laser at what might have been a poorly drawn gundam or mobile suit.

"You know we don't have our gundams right Duo?" Heero asked with a little concern their plan wouldn't work.

"What are you talking about!? That's not a gundam. It's a giant ape. OBVIOUSLY." Duo hoped Heero bought that since he didn't know what else the large drawing could be.

"What are you two even talking about?" Wufei looked over Duo's shoulder to see the gundam ape. "Are you two nuts? That's a crane with a wrecking ball." Trowa picked that moment to walk back into the room and he promptly turned around and walked out.

"Where are we going to get a crane with a wrecking ball?" Duo asked with a frown.

"Where are we going to get a dinosaur…" Heero snorted. Duo elbowed him.

"You should know. I put those there as possible area defense on the factory." Duo nodded and continued "the dinosaur would be excellent ground control and the UFO could keep aircrafts from entering the airspace. To stop the dinosaur you give it a banana and it will eat it. The UFO though… I didn't get that far." All the pilots were now in the room and just staring at Duo like he had gone insane.

"Duo, Where the hell is a cake factory going to get a UFO or a dinosaur?" Wufei's eyebrow began to twitch slightly at the braided boy's lack of intelligence.

"Just precautions. Nothing too crazy." Duo shrugged. "Can we go yet?" Quatre turned to the clock with a thoughtful frown.

"We should probably wait about an hour or so before we leave. Then, it will be dark when we get to the factory to make sneaking in a little easier." Quatre said as the voice of reason. Duo just sighed darkly and slumped down over the plans. "Duo, why don't you pack your bags or something?" Quatre suggested hoping to give Duo something to do. Duo sat up with a large grin.

"You're right! I'll go get the necessary items!" Duo bolted out of the room excited.

Once he made it into his room Duo thought about the plans he had talked about. He dove into his closet in search of a few things. It took him about fifteen minutes or so, but he found almost everything he needed. He had bubblegum, rubber bands, a giant banana, a paper clip, and a toilet paper roll. Duo had never felt more secret agent ninja guy. With an accomplished look on his face Duo returned to the kitchen and rolled up the plans before sliding them into a cardboard tube.

The rest of the hour passed slowly, but finally they all filed out of the apartment and walked to the bus stop. The pilots missed the first bus and had to wait an extra 5 minutes or so for the next one which killed Duo on the inside. When they all made it on the bus Duo stared out the window as the bus made its way through town towards the factory. Duo choked when he saw Relena still standing where they had left her in front of the corner bakery.

"Wow, I thought she recovered faster than that." Heero murmured as he leaned to see her better. "Oh well." Duo just laughed until he couldn't breathe anymore.

The last bus stop was still about a mile away from the factory, so the guys had to walk the rest of the way. None of them minded, they had walked further before. Of course close to the end of the walk the pilots realized just how long they had been inactive. They were panting and sweating before the factory was even visible at all, and by factory they saw a large cement gate with barbed wire on top.

Duo looked at it in shock. "I didn't put this in the plans!" He stomped his foot and began walking again muttering curses under his breath. The other guys just looked up at the fence with worried faces. It took a little bit of walking to find an entrance to the factory and when they finally did Duo sighed in relief. "Ok this is exactly like my plans say."

"It's a normal entry for any factory Duo." Wufei shook his head slowly.

"Either way! This is the same!" Duo grinned. Duo walked through the gate and onto the factory grounds. He looked around for any sign of the dinosaur or UFO. Finding no sign he turned to the other pilots and waved them in. They crept forward trying to be as quiet as possible. Trowa stepped on a crunchy leaf in the middle of the pathway. Everyone flinched and waited. There was only silence for a moment, before a low growl sounded a few feet away.

Heero spun his eyes wide he pointed up high and yelled "GODZIRRA!!!!" The pilots all screamed and bolted toward the factory doors. The large dinosaur chasing after them roaring his displeasure. About half way to the door a green laser shot the ground a few feet from them. Duo screamed like a little girl seeing her idol.

"I told you so!" Duo screamed. The other pilots were just baffled and confused.

"How did they get a freaking dinosaur!?" Quatre yelled as another explosion lit up the air. Duo was just laughing maniacally about how he was right. Quatre didn't get an answer.

The pilots piled into the door and slammed it shut behind them. A little pale and hyperventilating they moved further into the factory. Trowa watched the back while Heero went first, pointing a nerf gun in front of him. Duo pulled out the rubber bands and wrapped one around his thumb. There was a garbled yell and a thump. Heero called out something as he fired his nerf gun. Trowa yelled for help has he was being overtaken by little cloaked men. Quatre fired his super soaker and pushed them back. Duo released a rubber band into what he thought was an eye. He was rewarded with a cry of pain. Wufei just pulled out a foam katana and began beating the little men with it.

When the last little guy went down a deep voice from the ceiling laughed and said "Boss battle. FIGHT!" The pilots looked up at the ceiling confused. Duo snapped his head in front of him, he could hear high pitched gibberish. There was a loud war cry as a larger cloaked guy jumped around the group. Heero fired a nerf bullet at the man, but he was too fast and flipped away. Heero growled and jumped after it firing rapidly. The cloaked man flipped back and grabbed Heero's gun and fired a bullet between the pilot's eyes. Duo watched in amazement as Heero stumbled and fell in slow motion.

"Nooooooo!" Duo ran also in slow motion to catch Heero as he fell. Heero slammed against the floor dramatically. "Heero! Don't die on me! We still need you to complete the mission!" Wufei rounded on the strange man swinging his foam sword quickly. The man yelled and swung his pool noodle into Wufei's shin with a loud 'thwack!' Duo turned as Wufei stumbled and fell to one knee still swinging with a pained look on his face. "Wufei! NO!" Duo could only watch as the pool noodle slapped the Chinese boy in the side of the head throwing Wufei to the side dramatically. Quatre fired his super soaker desperately at the cloaked being. The man spun avoiding the water bullets with ease. Using his pool noodle the cloaked man slapped the gun away and began beating Quatre again and again. Trowa yelled out as he jumped on the man and began beating the cloaked man with a squeaky mallet. Duo turned arming himself with another rubber band. He fired it at the man and missed. Trowa cried out in pain as a welt from the rubber band appeared on his arm.

"What the hell Duo! I thought we all had soft weapons!!" Trowa growled rubbing his arm where the red mark had raised up a bit.

"Sorry!! I didn't think it would hurt that bad." Duo looked at his shoes embarrassed.

"Well isn't that cute." The cloaked man said darkly.

"I thought you could only speak gibberish." Heero muttered looking up from being dead.

"Obviously we have a timeout on our hands." He pointed at Duo. "He's cheating."

"I AM NOT!" Duo yelled in frustration. "How was I supposed to know there were rules in this battle!?"

"Whatever. Duo you're out for cheating. Act dead." Wufei turned and looked at Duo with a frown. With an angry grunt Duo flopped down and acted dead.

"Now that THAT has been dealt with… let's try this again." The old man sighed then let out more shrieking gibberish as he launched himself at poor Trowa who was the only pilot left. Trowa blocked the pool noodle with his mallet just in time to block another swing. He was stuck in a defensive battle. Finally, Trowa decided he had had enough. He ducked under the noodle swing and swung his hammer onto the cloaked man's head with a loud 'SQUEAK!" The cloaked man cried out and swung forward in a violent death. When it was all settled Trowa looked at his fallen comrades and saluted them before turning away.

"Glad that's finally over." Heero mumbled and stood up stretching slightly. "How long was I on the floor anyway?"

"Not too incredibly long." Wufei laughed slightly. The old guy cackled and stood up.

"That was the most fun I've had in a while. Thank you boys!" The cloaked man turned and left the factory the way they had come in.

"Hope he knows there's a freaking dinosaur out there." Duo said as he watched the door swing shut. A loud roar and a scream told him that the old man hadn't known about the dinosaur. "Well… Sucks to be him. Let's get moving." Duo turned to walk deeper into the factory with a laugh that echoed off of the walls. The other pilots followed after the American with smiles on their faces thinking that maybe this bet could be fun after all.


	4. The Great Escape!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

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What is Cake?

Chapter 4

As they pilots moved deeper into the factory, they noticed an increase in the amount of rats scampering around in the shadows around them. Duo shuddered at the thought of those little beady eyes and long whip-like tails.

"They should really do something about this rodent problem." Heero murmured softly with a look of disgust on his face.

"I will never buy from these guys again. This is so gross!" Quatre wailed as he shook his head. The pilots continued on until an office door became visible.

"Sweet! We can finally get away from these rats!" Duo cried happily as he practically skipped to the door. He reached for the handle only to be shocked as a large rat jumped by stealing the office door off of the wall. "What the hell just happened?" Duo looked at the other pilots with wide eyes hoping that had not just happened.

"I think a giant rat just took off with the door we need." Trowa stared after the large rodent too shocked to give chase. Wufei only nodded silently his eyes on the wall where the door had been a few moments ago.

"Well, let's go get it." Heero said simply and pulled out his nerf gun again. The other pilots followed the Japanese boy's example except for Duo who couldn't use his weapon because he had missed the memo about foam weapons. So for the moment he could only stand on top of boxes and squeal like a housewife as his comrades took care of the rodent problem.

"We'll have to find you a weapon Duo." Quatre said with a smile. "You aren't much use without one."

"Hey! That's not very nice!" Duo growled "I warned us about the dinosaur!" Duo smiled victoriously.

"Did you know about the rat problem?" Wufei smirked as Duo's grin faded into a scowl of annoyance.

"You know what Wufei… I don't like your attitude." Duo muttered under his breath still scowling darkly. "Just shoot me down why don't you."

"Gladly." Was Wufei's only response as the pilots turned the corner at the end of the hall to find the giant rat leaning against the doorway waiting for them.

"You guys really are slow you know that?" It asked simply. The pilots all just shrugged before launching into full assault mode. Heero was firing his nerf gun while Wufei andTrowa beat the rat with their weapons. Quatre looked at Duo then fired his super soaker into the rat's face. Duo just stood there with a blank look on his face wondering what he could do to help.

"He's immune to everything we've got!" Trowa yelled above the noise their weapons made. The pilots continued trying to get rid of this giant rat, but nothing was working.

"You guys are cute. You're little toys can't hurt me." The rat chided while leaning more firmly against the door. Duo got an idea! He ran around the corner to another door and burst through it. In the new room Duo grinned at the sight of a strangely placed door. With a victorious cry Duo wrenched the door open. The rat toppled inward and landed on top of Duo with a yelp. The pilots all advanced on the rat attacking mercilessly. "Alright! Alright! You guys win. I'm bored." The rat stood up with a groan and left grumbling about people being way too serious.

"Well that was easy." Duo blinked slowly his face stuck in an expression of total shock. "A little painful to."

"You're fine. Walk it off Duo." Heero said simply as he strode away. Duo stood and stepped through the door closing it behind him. Quatre and Wufei grabbed either side of the door frame and lifted it with a grunt. They moved the door frame along the wall to its original spot. When Trowa opened the door again there was a different office. Quatre poked his head in and looked around immediately noticing a safe in the back of the room. The pilots slid into the room and over to the safe.

"Okay, I'm good at this let me try." Duo grinned as he knelt down next to the safe and placed his ear against the front and turned the dial listening carefully. He had only sat there for a moment before Heero decided he had waited long enough. Heero pushed Duo aside and reached into his pocket. Duo watched in amazement as Heero pulled out a welder's torch and face mask. The other pilots just stared in shock as Heero melted a large hole in the front and stuck his hand inside fishing around for something. He pulled his hand out and handed a single piece of paper to Trowa.

"The cake is a lie…" Trowa read out loud. He looked at them for a long moment before putting the paper back into the safe and turned to leave.

"What?! It can't say that!" Duo yelled and made a mad grab for the paper only to hit the front of the safe. "What the?!?" Heero had already sealed the hole he had made and refinished the front of the safe to look as though no one had even opened it in the first place. "Why do you even know how to do that?"

"It's a useful skill." Heero shrugged following after Trowa. Wufei turned to look at Duo for a moment before laughing and walking out behind a sighing Quatre. Duo was the last to leave and he did so unhappily.

As they moved towards the factory exit, the pilots noticed that any sign that they had been there was gone. The little men had disappeared from view and the nerf bullets and wet spots on the floor were mysteriously gone. Then it occurred to Quatre.

"We're going the wrong way."

"How do you know?" Duo asked looking around for any sign of which way was the right way.

"That sign hanging on the wall over there." Quatre pointed to a sign pointing towards them saying EXIT in big red letters that flashed in an obnoxious way.

"Where had that sign been a few minutes ago!?" Duo yelled at the sign angrily.

"Right here." Trowa muttered. Duo just growled out something and turned around to walk back the way they had come. Another few minutes passed before the pilots came to another sign. "If you go this way you will be eaten." Duo read aloud his eyebrows rising slightly. "That's kinda… helpful?"

"Eaten by what? That dinosaur?" Heero asked a small frown on his face. Quatre nodded mumbling about the dinosaur eating the old man not too incredibly long ago.

"Well let's keep going this way then." Wufei started forward with the other pilots following him. "We can get rid of the dinosaur. There should be no problem." He nodded.

"What about the UFO?" Heero asked turning to Duo for an idea.

"I don't really know. I hadn't gotten that far when I was drawing up the plans. Or maybe I did and just don't remember." Duo pulled out the tube containing the blueprints for the factory and went over his drawings again. He looked over it a few times before he noticed a little square in the corner just under the green squiggles that was the laser. "Aha! Anyone have something that looks like this?" Duo asked pointing to the little square in question.

"What is it supposed to be anyway?" Trowa asked turning the blueprints to get a better look.

"How am I supposed to know?" Duo shrugged.

"You're the one who drew the plans Duo!" Wufei glared at Duo with all the energy he could muster.

"Well I don't know! It could be anything! I was tired at that point!" Duo tried to defend himself, but the other pilots didn't really care at this point.

"You'd better figure out what it's supposed to be by the time we get there." Heero threatened as they continued walking through the factory aisles. Duo just sighed and put his thinking cap on hyperthink.

When the pilots finally made it back to the front of the factory Duo still hadn't figured out what the little square was supposed to be. He tried really hard to figure it out for fear Heero would kill him for forgetting a crucial piece of information.

"I got it. Empty your pockets guys." Duo smiled brightly. "Maybe one of you has something that will remind me what the square is." Duo nodded at his logic and everyone emptied their pockets. Duo looked completely shocked at Heero's pile of explosives and other weapons. "Where did you even GET all of that! We were supposed to destroy it all!"

"It was still useful so I kept it instead." Heero shrugged daring the other guys to question his logic.

"Okay then, None of this rings a bell." Duo turned moving on to each pile finding more guns and antiaircraft missiles in each pile. "You guys are nuts I swear." Duo hung his head at his companions inability to get rid of all weapons. He turned around and something caught his eye. "That's IT!" Duo jumped to his feet grinning wickedly. "It's a mirror!"

"A mirror!? What's that supposed to do?" Wufei made a face that was borderline confused.

"Duh! Reflect the beam back at the UFO!" Duo smiled and nodded at his perfect logic. The pilots began the painstaking process of putting all the stuff back in their pockets. Duo ran into the nearest bathroom and pulled a mirror off the wall with ease. When he returned to the others he looked at them and asked, "So, who wants to deal with the UFO and who wants the dinosaur?"

The pilots just looked at Duo for a long moment before pointing fingers at him and shoving Duo out of the door. Duo yelled at the top of his lungs for them to stop until the door closed behind him. His mouth closed with a loud snap. He looked around for any sign of the dinosaur or UFO. Duo took a few steps out onto the lawn before a growl caught his attention.

Duo spun with a yell as he reached into his pocket and threw the giant banana at the dinosaur. An explosion nearby reminded him of the UFO that had been hiding. Duo held up the mirror with a yelp as the green laser slammed against it. The force that slammed into the braided boy made him skid backward a few feet, but had its desired effect. The laser shot back towards the UFO and missed by a hair. The dinosaur was munching on the banana while the other pilots bolted through the doorway and toward the entrance.

Another laser sent Duo tumbling backwards into the running pilots. He jumped to his feet catching another laser on his mirror shield, this time he hit the UFO with the returning laser. Duo watched with a satisfied look as it crash landed in the nearby forest. A hand grabbed his arm and jerked him away from the scene. The dinosaur had recovered from his banana and was racing towards the fleeing boys. Duo reached into his pocket and pulled out his last rubber band and fired it. The dinosaur screamed in pain as it fell to the ground.

The ground shook from the dinosaur's impact with the ground after the pilots raced through the front gate and toward the bus stop a mile away. When the worn out boys finally sat down in the bus seats Duo finally found time to think about that damn factory. What he had learned had not helped his cause at all. He might have to go up to the front desk anyway of the place anyway. However, right now all Duo and the other pilots wanted was sleep.

The last thing Duo really remembered from that night was noting that Relena had moved from the sidewalk where they had left her. Well, he remembered that and tumbling into bed at around five thirty in the morning.


	5. Fishing is fun?

Disclaimer: I own nothing… still.

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What is Cake?

Chapter 5

Duo woke up the next morning bright and early to a loud and annoying screaming person. Duo sighed darkly and rolled out of bed hell bent on destroying whoever was creating such a noise at nine in the morning. He kicked the hallway door open with a loud roar to find Relena standing over Heero, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei, who were all sitting on the couch leaning back as far as they could. She was screaming at them for their idiocy and what they had done.

"What did we do?" Duo asked as he rubbed the back of his head anger forgotten. The other pilots sighed and hung their heads. Relena whirled on the American her face twisted up in rage.

"You went to that factory! Even though I told you not to!" Relena screeched pulling at her hair.

"Technically, you told us not to destroy the factory." Duo pointed out with a triumphant smile. Relena's eyes narrowed to slits.

"I will shove a screwdriver down your throat the next time you try to deny that I told you not to go to the factory last night."

"Where'd you get a screwdriver?" Heero asked from the couch. Relena reached into her hair and pulled the screwdriver out with a wicked grin. She turned back to Duo.

"I may not be the Queen of the World anymore, but I can make your world miserable."

"I don't like threats." Duo shuffled his feet uncomfortable. Over on the couch Trowa leaned to Heero and whispered something in his ear a pleading look on his face. Heero thought about it and nodded. The Japanese boy stood and walked over to Relena.

"Relena…" Heero stated. Relena turned and went from glaring to a cute smile in a matter of seconds.

"Yes Heero?"

"I'll kill you." Heero looked at her expectantly. Relena just shot him a look and whirled back to Duo to continue screaming at him. Heero turned to the other three pilots and shrugged and got pleading looks back. Quatre mouthed 'Figure something out!' Heero turned looking thoughtful again. A light bulb appeared over Heero's head with a 'ping' noise. Heero looked up at it and grabbed it. He held on to it for a moment before walking to the kitchen and replaced the light bulb that had been out for a few days. He nodded and turned back to his current problem. Heero knew just the thing.

"And another thing!"

"No please… I don't wanna hear anymore!" Duo wailed at Relena hoping his pleas would get through to her. She opened her mouth to continue, but Heero interrupted her.

"Relena" Heero paused uncertain then continued "I'll… screw you." Relena's face went pale. Her eyes went wide and her face went blank. All of the other pilots just looked at Heero like he had grown a few extra limbs in that instant. "What? The 'I'll kill you' didn't work. I had to improvise."

"Let's get her out of here! I really need to take something for this new headache I just got." Duo muttered just wanting to lie down and curl up under a blanket. Wufei nodded and grabbed Relena around the waist and lifted her out of the apartment like a mannequin. He was gone a few hours and when he returned, Relena was not with him.

"Where did you take her?" Trowa asked uncertainly. "Do I want to know?" Wufei just shook his head with a wicked grin.

"Where are we going today Duo?" Quatre asked with a laugh.

"Well, I was thinking about going to the lake since we almost died last night." Duo smiled broadly and waved his arms out excitedly. "I wanna fish! I wanna FISH!"

"Fishing isn't exactly the most fun activity." Trowa frowned not understanding Duo's excitement.  
"What are you talking about!? Fishing is GREAT!" Duo cried exuberantly as he ran from one room to the next in search of the rods. The guys just sighed and went to dress for a day at the lake. When Quatre walked out in a sundress again the pilots turned him around and pushed him back towards his room yelling protests and telling him to burn the dress as soon as possible.

The pilots left the apartment complex soon after Quatre had removed the sundress and was dressed for a day at the lake. They stopped for only a moment to grab sunscreen and steal a van parked conveniently in the secluded alleyway not far from their apartment. The trip to the lake was short but, their convenient van had no air conditioning so they were dying of heat the entire way.

When the poor pilots finally arrived at the lake, Duo burst from the back of the van gasping for air yelling his pleasure to the heavens. Heero and Trowa got out and unloaded all of the fishing gear. Wufei ran down to the lake after a squirrel, his knitting stuff in hand. Quatre laughed and yelled to Wufei to leave the poor squirrel alone.

When the pilots finally got all the fishing gear down to the water's edge they sighed in relief. Duo dropped his tackle box with a huge grin. He turned and asked, "You've all fished before right?" He got nods from the other pilots who were all getting their stuff set up. "GREAT! I don't have to show you how a master fishes then." Duo smirked as he baited his fishing pole.

"Oh really, how a master fishes huh?" Wufei turned with a wicked look. "Just how does a master fish Duo?" Wufei crossed his arms forgetting his fishing pole and whacked Quatre in the head with it.

"Hah! Watch and learn Wufei. Just watch and learn." Duo turned and cast far out into the lake. He waited for a nibble that would tell him to reel it in. Duo was grinning and waiting because he knew he would catch the biggest fish of the day.

Duo watched growing angrier every time a fish was reeled in. So far Heero had caught the most fish although they were very small. Wufei had caught a few and Trowa had managed to pull in a good sized one. Duo and Quatre had yet to catch a single fish. If it wasn't for Heero catching so many Duo would have thought this lake was completely empty.

Duo stiffened, he felt the nibble in his fingers. He grinned and gave a triumphant yell and reeled in his line. "Wow! This thing is really fighting back! It must be huge!" Duo stood quickly still reeling the fish in. He reached in and pulled on the line. Duo pulled a boot from the lake. Wufei couldn't contain his laughter.

"Some master you are! You can't even catch one fish." Wufei snorted as he pulled another small fish in.

"This is just a bad day for me! I'm usually a fishing master."

"Duo, you'll get one stop whining like a little girl." Heero turned to Duo with a slightly annoyed look on his face. He didn't want to hear it.

"Fine." Duo closed his mouth with a snap and went back to fishing. "The God of Death won't be beaten here." The pilots managed to fish for about an hour before Duo stood angrily and growled, "I hate fishing! Who the hell wanted to go on this trip anyways." Quatre pointed straight at Duo with a frown. "Oh, Right I forgot." Duo sat back down his face glum.

Quatre sighed he hadn't caught any fish either. He didn't really understand why Duo was getting so mad about it. Then Quatre thought about all the bragging Duo had done on the way here and it made a little more sense. Quatre reeled in his line and sighed darkly. His bait was gone again. He recast after putting another worm on the hook and settled in to wait.

Two more hours and no fish for Duo or Quatre, Duo was livid. He slammed his fist down every time he looked at the boot, branch, or seaweed he pulled up from the lake bottom. Quatre had just started to nod off when he felt the lightest twitch. He snapped awake and tugged on the rod. It didn't budge and the pilots watched as the end began to bend down towards the water.

"Quatre reel it in!" The pilots all called excitedly. Quatre spun that little wheel thing like never before. With each few inches of line pulled back in a dark shadow got larger on the lake surface. Quatre fought with the fish for a good fifteen minutes before it finally surfaced with a flying leap at the dock.

"Quatre what the hell did you catch!?" Duo yelled out, his eyes wide in shock. The fish landed in front of the dock and glared down at them. Only it wasn't a fish, it was the loch ness monster.

"I take a vacation for the first time in twenty years and I get hooked by a group of idiots." The monster growled. The pilots could only stare up in shock.

"I can't believe he caught the loch ness monster." Trowa breathed.

"I can't believe it's not butter!" Heero said as he spread some of his not butter on a piece of toast. Everyone turned to Heero and just stared at him. "What? I can't."

"Anyways, I'm sorry I hooked you. We were actually looking for fish." Quatre laughed a bit.

"Well, there aren't many fish left. I have to eat you know." Nessie grinned.

"Well that explains why the only fish we've caught are tiny." Trowa muttered under his breath.

"I'm not sure it explains why I haven't caught anything." Duo sighed.

"No you just move around too much and scare any fish who might want to bite." Nessie rolled its eyes as it pointed out the obvious.

"Oh, ok well THAT explains it." Duo grinned.

"We still need to eat. I don't think the fish we caught will feed us all." Wufei toed the bucket with the small fish inside as a wide grin spread across Duo's face.

"Hey Nessie! Is the cake a lie?" Duo asked still grinning.

"What cake? I haven't heard such a thing." Nessie looked thoughtful for a moment. "No, I don't believe the cake is a lie. Now it was a lovely chat boys, but I have to head home since people saw me. I don't really want another search party after me. It's rather annoying."

"We won't tell anyone we saw you Nessie." Quatre smiled and waved as the creature swam away diving down into the lake once more.

"Don't want fish." Heero kicked the bucket of fish over back into the lake and walked back to the van. "Let's eat steak." The pilots agreed and cleaned up their crap before heading back up to their stolen van. They turned back towards the road and took off hoping Relena hadn't figured out where they were yet.

They were halfway up the trail when Duo yelled out "Are we there yet?!" Wufei proceeded to beat him over the head with a pool noodle while threatening him with actual bodily harm. The pilots were laughing the entire way to the steakhouse. Since they were all laughing so hard, nobody noticed the pink car following right behind them.

Trowa turned and saw it in the mirror. "What a fugly car." The pilots all looked and agreed with odd looks on their faces. Heero squawked and stomped on the gas. Quatre toppled backwards since he didn't have his seatbelt on.

"It's Relena's car!" Heero growled darkly while steering the van expertly through the city streets. Duo screamed like a little girl as that information sank in. "I'm going to have to find a way to lose her." Heero swerved wheels screeching around a corner. A sharp U-turn in a no U-turn zone bought them some time. When he saw her car in his rear-view mirror Heero swore and swerved to the right, however there wasn't a road there. There was only a cliff.

The van went over with the pilots all screaming like little school girls. Relena's car stopped on the cliff. Relena got out of her car and yelled, "Heero! I'll wait for you!"


End file.
